(A repost from my LiveJournal account. Wrote this years ago.)
What if I went to North Pole?
It will probably go something like this.
After a tiring but incredibly enjoyable tour of Santa's toy factory, a snowball fight with the elves, & a fun sleigh ride with the reindeers, relaxing in St. Nick's fairy tale english cottage while sipping a cup of good ol' hot choco drink courtesy of Mrs. Claus is very much appreciated.
ME: So Santa, why didn't you give me a present last christmas? I was a good girl, you know.
(dreamy music. enter imagined scenario)
After a tiring but incredibly enjoyable tour of Santa's toy factory, a snowball fight with the elves, & a fun sleigh ride with the reindeers, relaxing in St. Nick's fairy tale english cottage while sipping a cup of good ol' hot choco drink courtesy of Mrs. Claus is very much appreciated.
ME: So Santa, why didn't you give me a present last christmas? I was a good girl, you know.
SANTA: (with his booming voice & all his jolliness) Ho, Ho, Ho! No you weren't.
ME: What?! Yes i was.
SANTA: Ho, Ho.. So you're gonna insist on playing this jukienice character huh? ok, let's see.. (he got his famous LIST).. hmm.. you don't pray at night, you don't do chores, you drink, you broke practically all 10 commandments, you s---
ME: That's not true! I've been good!
SANTA: (still ho-ho-hoing) You lie, You-- ahem, do you want me to go on? I mean I'm just getting started. This past 2 months you broke the record by being consistently on top of my "naughty" list. You're a bum, you took v---
ME: OK! I get it! No gifts for me, jeez! (I said good-naturedly as I drank my not-so-hot hot choco)
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho! I'm just saying, you know! I mean, you could go to Hell for --
I didn't hear the rest of his sentence...
.. because i was again thinking.. Wouldn't it be COOL if i went to HELL & "chilled out" with dear old Lucifer?
Besides, it's so freaking cold here I can't even feel my tongue. Plus, the effing merriness in this place is too much for my pessimistic nature. blaah.
So from North, I went South. Way, way down south...
My journey ended when I reached a cave-like dwelling.
FIRE. HOT. HELL.
I was astonished by what I saw.
Except for the 3-inch horns poking through his forehead & a long pointy tail, Lucifer a.k.a Satan/The Devil could easily pass off as a Hollywood star. His skin isn't at all red, (it just looks that way because of the fire all around him) (prior to seeing him, I thought he actually looked like "Him", that devil villain in PowerPuff Girls. But no he doesn't), his face is both angelic & devilish, his shiny black hair is slicked back.
He has the beauty of a clean-shaven Brad Pitt & the devilish ruggedness of Benicio del Toro.
In short, he's hot. Pun intended.
Plus, he's wearing a black shirt that says "I heart Madonna", faded tattered jeans, & those rare silver chuck taylors. Yeah. He's a rockstar. :P
And I knew it was indeed Satan I was looking at because on the throne he was sitting at, was an inscription that says "ONLY SATAN SITS HERE." Clever, huh? ;)
So anyway, after the surprise I got upon seeing him, I approached him & was again shocked when I became fully aware of what he was doing.
He was reclining in his smoldering throne, toasting a marshmallow on a stick, reading -- you won't believe this! -- "A PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE"!!
My mouth hanging open, I stared at him for several seconds, completely dumbfounded.
He looked at me, tossed the book in the fire, & made a deep-throated chuckle.
His voice is drawling. Very sinister. So cool.
SATAN: HAH!! You should have seen your face. HAY-LA-RIOUS. I knew you were coming, so I borrowed that book from someone just to see how you would react when you see me reading it. What more if you saw me reading The Bible?! ROTFLMAO!
I got Punk'd. By the Devil Himself.
Anyway. I am a book lover so I can't help but react to what Satan did.
ME: But you burned it!
I was astonished by what I saw.
Except for the 3-inch horns poking through his forehead & a long pointy tail, Lucifer a.k.a Satan/The Devil could easily pass off as a Hollywood star. His skin isn't at all red, (it just looks that way because of the fire all around him) (prior to seeing him, I thought he actually looked like "Him", that devil villain in PowerPuff Girls. But no he doesn't), his face is both angelic & devilish, his shiny black hair is slicked back.
He has the beauty of a clean-shaven Brad Pitt & the devilish ruggedness of Benicio del Toro.
In short, he's hot. Pun intended.
Plus, he's wearing a black shirt that says "I heart Madonna", faded tattered jeans, & those rare silver chuck taylors. Yeah. He's a rockstar. :P
And I knew it was indeed Satan I was looking at because on the throne he was sitting at, was an inscription that says "ONLY SATAN SITS HERE." Clever, huh? ;)
So anyway, after the surprise I got upon seeing him, I approached him & was again shocked when I became fully aware of what he was doing.
He was reclining in his smoldering throne, toasting a marshmallow on a stick, reading -- you won't believe this! -- "A PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE"!!
My mouth hanging open, I stared at him for several seconds, completely dumbfounded.
He looked at me, tossed the book in the fire, & made a deep-throated chuckle.
His voice is drawling. Very sinister. So cool.
SATAN: HAH!! You should have seen your face. HAY-LA-RIOUS. I knew you were coming, so I borrowed that book from someone just to see how you would react when you see me reading it. What more if you saw me reading The Bible?! ROTFLMAO!
I got Punk'd. By the Devil Himself.
Anyway. I am a book lover so I can't help but react to what Satan did.
ME: But you burned it!
SATAN: hah! it's not like ERAP reads it. It was just a gift to him you know. I bet he hasn't even read page one.
ME: Yeah well. but you shouldn't have done that! That was a bad thing to do!
SATAN: Do you even know who you're talking to? I'm BAD even when I'm asleep!
ME: Oh right. Well, anyway, why are you all alone? Where are the sinners, the rapists, the -- uhmm politicians?
He chuckled. His face unreadable.
SATAN: Where do you think they are?
ME: uhmm.. the torture chamber? in a pit of boiling oil? in a hostel-like setting? or are they partying like rockstars? cmon tell me, the list in my mind is endless.
SATAN: wrong, wrong, wrong & wrong.
ME: So where?
SATAN: (he rolled his eyes & stuck out his tongue) up there. in heaven.
(silence.... then cricket sound effects.)
ME: What?!!
SATAN: Everyone ends up in heaven. He forgives them all. makes me wanna vomit.
ME: You mean even Judas is up there?
SATAN: That stupid two-faced suicidal clown?! Yeah.
So Holden Caulfield was right. "I remember I asked old Childs if he thought Judas, the one that betrayed Jesus and all, went to hell after he committed suicide. Childs said certainly. That's exactly where i disagreed with him. I said I'd bet a thousand bucks that Jesus never sent old Judas to hell. I think any one of the Disciples would've sent him to hell and all -- and fast, too -- but i'll bet anything Jesus didn't do it."
Anyway, Judas in Heaven. Sheesh. That's so cheesy. Makes me wanna vomit too.
ME: So if God forgives all. Why didn't He forgive you?
SATAN: like hell! I didn't want him to forgive me! I enjoy being the outcast. The black sheep. The prodigal son. The maverick.
ME: But you're all alone here..
SATAN: Who says I stay here all the time? I have "friends" you know. Paris Hilton. Tom Cruise. Osama bin Laden. Hussein. Estrada. Arroyo. To name a few. I party, I attend scientology meetings, I influence my boys bin Laden & Hussein to wage wars, & I constantly backstab Erap & GMA by divulging their dirty secrets to each other! LOL! I enjoy that the most! Their filthy deeds out in the open, & them, frantically trying to cover things up. Which happens at least once a month. LMFAO. Classic.
Funny guy, the devil. I love his sense of humor. I'm sure we'll be good friends.
But I have to go. This place is too hot for me.
So I said good bye to dear old Lucy.
SATAN: Hey, where are you off to? I know lots of shortcuts.
ME: You do? thank Go-- I mean, thanks Satan. I appreciate it. Lead the way.
And he led me to a long corridor with numerous rooms on both sides. So these rooms are shortcuts to his favorite places (meaning, those with people easily swayed to the dark side) around the world. There are labels on each room. I read some of them as we walked by.
THE VATICAN. MUNICIPAL HALL (various cities). MALACANANG PALACE. THE WHITE HOUSE. SADDAM'S UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, HOLLYWOOD...
I laughed as I read.
ME: You really do get around don't you!
SATAN: Hey, where are you off to? I know lots of shortcuts.
ME: You do? thank Go-- I mean, thanks Satan. I appreciate it. Lead the way.
And he led me to a long corridor with numerous rooms on both sides. So these rooms are shortcuts to his favorite places (meaning, those with people easily swayed to the dark side) around the world. There are labels on each room. I read some of them as we walked by.
THE VATICAN. MUNICIPAL HALL (various cities). MALACANANG PALACE. THE WHITE HOUSE. SADDAM'S UNDERGROUND HIDEOUT, HOLLYWOOD...
I laughed as I read.
ME: You really do get around don't you!
SATAN: Of course. These doors grant me easy access to the rich, famous & diabolical.
ME: Hey, where are we going? it says here "BRGY. CAPTAIN'S OFFICE". This is close to my house.
SATAN: Just wait. I know a place CLOSER.
And he opened a door marked with 5 stars.
It read "LUCRESIA'S ROOM"
Thank you for reading! Like, Share, or Follow this madwoman's blog if you have enjoyed taking a peek inside her dark, cobwebby mind.
You can use the left/right arrow keys to navigate this blog (older/newer posts).
You can also follow her on:
Goodreads:Lucresia Strange
This is very funny !!! I laughed so much.... Thanks for the humor... Appreciated.. lol :)
ReplyDeletethat was written back when I had a goofy sense of humor when writing. lol. Thanks!
Delete