"I don't belong here."
A white screen of smoke obscured her face that for a second I thought I just imagined her talking. She said it so softly I almost thought she was commenting about the weather, or something absolutely irrelevant. For several seconds I just stared at her, watching her intently, but always never guessing what's she's thinking.
We've been friends since forever, grew up together, but I still don't know her. We're best friends, but I know nothing - only what she chooses to divulge.
She's an enigma. I don't know if I'm fascinated or scared. I take a sip of my cold beer.
Plaster a sign on her forehead that says, "I'm an alien, an outsider, a weirdo. I don't belong here, goddamn you all!" and a passerby would just think she's joking. She looks absolutely normal and happy.
But I know better. She can be the most inquisitive and concerned human being when the situation calls for it, she can be as lively and goofy as a damn kid high on sugar, she can be breathless from an intensely animated storytelling and then lapse into a catatonic state the next minute, oh and she can listen to your stories for hours - smile plastered, nodding at the right moments, laughing at the punchlines - and you'll never guess that her mind is blank... Or thinking about ginormous black holes. She's a chameleon, a mime, a great pretender - because in reality, she's not here.
You know how I know?
Showing posts with label Writings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writings. Show all posts
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Sunday, July 12, 2015
The Monster Within Me
I'M A MONSTER.
I would wanna kill you someday, you know, full-on murder. Assassination. Blind homicidal rage. Sometimes, I imagine myself stabbing you in the neck with a big glass shard, feel your blood drip all over my hand. Warm, wet, sticky, red... so red. Tasty.
I'LL DRINK YOUR BLOOD!
I imagine staring at your eyes while the light in them slowly dims, feeling your pulse gradually weaken, listening to your heart until it beats no more.
Oh, I'll surely get off to your weak pleas, your pathetic whimpering, the fear in your widened eyes, the trembling of your thick lips. You're pathetic. The thought of your begging makes me wanna prolong your agony. You'll make me so happy! You reek of fear - thick and cloying. That makes me so inspired!
Am I a monster for wanting to kill you? Do you deserve to live?
What did you say? I'm horrible? I should die? Oh ha ha ha, I can't breathe! Stop, my stomach hurts! Stop, that's hilarious! Me? Die? Honey, I'm already dead. You can cut me open any way you want and you'll see nothing inside. I'm dead. I've been dead a long time ago.
You, on the other hand, are not dead yet. But you will be.... soon. I'll make sure of it.
DAMN RIGHT, I'M A MONSTER!
I'll peel away your skin, inch by inch. Slowly, perfectly. Have you ever peeled an apple? Tonight, you'll be my juicy, pretty, red apple. Call me Snow White, coz I'm gonna take a bite and taste you. Except that there's no curse from an evil, narcissistic queen. The only thing cursed here is you.
I'LL EAT YOUR FLESH!
Are you afraid?
Which do you fear more? Me or your impending doom?
Speak clearly. Don't babble! Answer me, what's the purpose of your existence, aside from annoying me?
Sometimes, I wanna hang myself just so I won't see you anymore. I don't wanna feel you, hear you. I don't want to succumb to your deathly grip anymore. You took over my life, controlling me, drowning me in fear. Not anymore. I'm in control now. Ya hear me?!!
The things I wanna do to you. God! Not only will I skin you alive, I'll also rip your innards out! One by one, I'll cut your limbs. Hack, hack. I'm gonna make sure the knife I'll use is not too sharp. That's how much I love you. I want you to feel the pain. Pain is good, right? You haven't really lived if you haven't felt pain. Right? Yeah, that's what you told me before!
Oh wait, I'm not done yet! I'm gonna eat your organs, of course I'm gonna share, you gotta have some too! And when you're drained of your filthy blood, I'm gonna bathe in it Bathory-style!
Are you still unsure of your fate?
YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
HAHAHA!
I'm a monster?
You got that right.
I'll fucking kill you and I'll enjoy every goddamn minute of it.
SOMEDAY.
Not today. I can't live without you. You've been with me for so long, we have breathed the same air, thought the same crazy ideas, made the same mistakes together. In fact, you're the one who made me do all those things. You're also the one who kept me from living my life. You're the one reason why I am who I am right now. You're my shroud of darkness. You're my twin.
You're my demon.
I hate you.
No, I can't kill you yet.
I'm scared.
I'm not ready to step out of the darkness and into the blinding sunlight.
I love you.
Don't let me go.
I'll kill you some other time.
Please don't leave me. I need you!
I would wanna kill you someday, you know, full-on murder. Assassination. Blind homicidal rage. Sometimes, I imagine myself stabbing you in the neck with a big glass shard, feel your blood drip all over my hand. Warm, wet, sticky, red... so red. Tasty.
I'LL DRINK YOUR BLOOD!
I imagine staring at your eyes while the light in them slowly dims, feeling your pulse gradually weaken, listening to your heart until it beats no more.
Oh, I'll surely get off to your weak pleas, your pathetic whimpering, the fear in your widened eyes, the trembling of your thick lips. You're pathetic. The thought of your begging makes me wanna prolong your agony. You'll make me so happy! You reek of fear - thick and cloying. That makes me so inspired!
Am I a monster for wanting to kill you? Do you deserve to live?
What did you say? I'm horrible? I should die? Oh ha ha ha, I can't breathe! Stop, my stomach hurts! Stop, that's hilarious! Me? Die? Honey, I'm already dead. You can cut me open any way you want and you'll see nothing inside. I'm dead. I've been dead a long time ago.
You, on the other hand, are not dead yet. But you will be.... soon. I'll make sure of it.
DAMN RIGHT, I'M A MONSTER!
I'll peel away your skin, inch by inch. Slowly, perfectly. Have you ever peeled an apple? Tonight, you'll be my juicy, pretty, red apple. Call me Snow White, coz I'm gonna take a bite and taste you. Except that there's no curse from an evil, narcissistic queen. The only thing cursed here is you.
I'LL EAT YOUR FLESH!
Are you afraid?
Which do you fear more? Me or your impending doom?
Speak clearly. Don't babble! Answer me, what's the purpose of your existence, aside from annoying me?
Sometimes, I wanna hang myself just so I won't see you anymore. I don't wanna feel you, hear you. I don't want to succumb to your deathly grip anymore. You took over my life, controlling me, drowning me in fear. Not anymore. I'm in control now. Ya hear me?!!
The things I wanna do to you. God! Not only will I skin you alive, I'll also rip your innards out! One by one, I'll cut your limbs. Hack, hack. I'm gonna make sure the knife I'll use is not too sharp. That's how much I love you. I want you to feel the pain. Pain is good, right? You haven't really lived if you haven't felt pain. Right? Yeah, that's what you told me before!
Oh wait, I'm not done yet! I'm gonna eat your organs, of course I'm gonna share, you gotta have some too! And when you're drained of your filthy blood, I'm gonna bathe in it Bathory-style!
Are you still unsure of your fate?
YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
HAHAHA!
I'm a monster?
You got that right.
I'll fucking kill you and I'll enjoy every goddamn minute of it.
SOMEDAY.
Not today. I can't live without you. You've been with me for so long, we have breathed the same air, thought the same crazy ideas, made the same mistakes together. In fact, you're the one who made me do all those things. You're also the one who kept me from living my life. You're the one reason why I am who I am right now. You're my shroud of darkness. You're my twin.
You're my demon.
I hate you.
No, I can't kill you yet.
I'm scared.
I'm not ready to step out of the darkness and into the blinding sunlight.
I love you.
Don't let me go.
I'll kill you some other time.
Please don't leave me. I need you!
 |
| Photo credits: exodrug |
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Monday, April 6, 2015
Ignite
Pen in between teeth,
Legs under the sheet.
Dark thoughts swirling.
To entertain?
...Contemplating.
Back, against the wall,
Eyes adrift.
A pack of Pall Mall.
Heart skips a beat.
Ah forget it.
Give in.
Light a stick.
Words being sifted,
tongue almost tasting them.
Choke.
A cough?
No.
Words being held back.
One last hit,
The glow slowly fades.
Symbolic.
Die just a little bit,
with every cigarette stick.
How melancholic.
 |
| Painting by YukiCryHikari |
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Friday, April 3, 2015
WRITING PROMPT #1: The Scream
Writing Prompt: You've been given a pencil, a sharpener, and a piece of paper. What are you gonna do with them?
Years ago, I would have sat down peacefully and wrote something. Anything. My writings bore me but they cleanse my soul.
Now?
I'm gonna sharpen that pencil, slowly, thoroughly. Then I'm gonna stab your eye with it, repeatedly. Over and over and over. Squish squish. Blood squirts all over, cheesy stuff drips all over your face, staining my pencil. You scream like you've never screamed before. In pure agony. Your annoying shrill voice drowns out my laughter. Squirt squirt, your eye socket fills with mush. I wanna tell you a funny joke about vitreous humour, but you're too busy crying tears and blood to get it, I'm sure.
So I sharpen my bloody pencil again while I stare at your pitiful face.
Years ago, I would have sat down peacefully and wrote something. Anything. My writings bore me but they cleanse my soul.
Now?
I'm gonna sharpen that pencil, slowly, thoroughly. Then I'm gonna stab your eye with it, repeatedly. Over and over and over. Squish squish. Blood squirts all over, cheesy stuff drips all over your face, staining my pencil. You scream like you've never screamed before. In pure agony. Your annoying shrill voice drowns out my laughter. Squirt squirt, your eye socket fills with mush. I wanna tell you a funny joke about vitreous humour, but you're too busy crying tears and blood to get it, I'm sure.
So I sharpen my bloody pencil again while I stare at your pitiful face.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Table Manners Matters, Bon Appetit!
Lay her down - the bed or the floor,
or slam her body against the wall.
Brush her hair gently away from her face,
or grab a fistful of it -- Ahh, that sweet grimace.
Kiss her face, her lips, her earlobes.
Feathery, spine-tingling kisses all over.
Watch her expression's subtle change,
Feel her shiver under your gaze.
Caress her throat.
Bite her, mark her.
Down, down, she groans.
Worship her breasts.
Feed your urge to suckle.
Suck her nipples until her knees buckle.
Down, down.
Her skin is on fire.
Unrestrained desire floods her.
Watch her squirm.
Mindless mumbling.
Moaning obscenities.
Lower, lower.
Feel her legs tremble.
Watch her open up.
Unconsciously, involuntarily.
Touch her ever so lightly,
Feast your eyes as she spreads her legs widely.
Smell her.
Taste her.
Feel her.
Devour her.
Make her go crazy.
Look up.
Look in her eyes, tell her what you want.
Look in her eyes as she stares back,
That primal desire - animalistic, raw.
Ignite it with your greedy mouth,
Hear her moan.
Let her rub herself against your face. Violently.
Let her beg. She's at your mercy.
Let her lock your head in between her legs,
Your face buried deep.
Let her flood you with her sweetest nectar.
Drink, like you're in a desert and you're thirsty.
Lick. She's a popsicle dripping in a hot car.
You're a slave to her pussy.
Lick. Just lick.
Feel her succumbing,
feed on her.
Feel her submitting,
open her up.
Eat her.
C'mon, lick.
Violate her deliciously.
Intrude.
Enter.
Explore.
Fuck. Don't stop.
You still have your pants on.
It's gonna be a long night.
or slam her body against the wall.
Brush her hair gently away from her face,
or grab a fistful of it -- Ahh, that sweet grimace.
Kiss her face, her lips, her earlobes.
Feathery, spine-tingling kisses all over.
Watch her expression's subtle change,
Feel her shiver under your gaze.
Caress her throat.
Bite her, mark her.
Down, down, she groans.
Worship her breasts.
Feed your urge to suckle.
Suck her nipples until her knees buckle.
Down, down.
Her skin is on fire.
Unrestrained desire floods her.
Watch her squirm.
Mindless mumbling.
Moaning obscenities.
Lower, lower.
Feel her legs tremble.
Watch her open up.
Unconsciously, involuntarily.
Touch her ever so lightly,
Feast your eyes as she spreads her legs widely.
Smell her.
Taste her.
Feel her.
Devour her.
Make her go crazy.
Look up.
Look in her eyes, tell her what you want.
Look in her eyes as she stares back,
That primal desire - animalistic, raw.
Ignite it with your greedy mouth,
Hear her moan.
Let her rub herself against your face. Violently.
Let her beg. She's at your mercy.
Let her lock your head in between her legs,
Your face buried deep.
Let her flood you with her sweetest nectar.
Drink, like you're in a desert and you're thirsty.
Lick. She's a popsicle dripping in a hot car.
You're a slave to her pussy.
Lick. Just lick.
Feel her succumbing,
feed on her.
Feel her submitting,
open her up.
Eat her.
C'mon, lick.
Violate her deliciously.
Intrude.
Enter.
Explore.
Fuck. Don't stop.
You still have your pants on.
It's gonna be a long night.
Thank you for reading! Like, Share, or Follow this madwoman's blog if you have enjoyed taking a peek inside her dark, cobwebby mind.
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Thursday, September 11, 2014
Iced Tea, Cigarettes, and Death
A gust of polluted wind blows in her direction, reminding her where she is, her soft black hair swaying gently across her face.
She looks around her without really looking, and her mind barely registers the people bustling past her. After several minutes of mindlessly staring at strangers, her eyes finally focus on her fingers – or what’s in between them— and she smiles bitterly. “My only companion in this world,” she mutters under her breath, “the best... and the worst.”
She puts her “companion” in between her moist lips and sucked in hungrily. She sighs inwardly as she feels the wonderful sensation only her menthol cigarette could ever give to her. She knows she should quit. Everyone tells her to. She chuckles darkly as she finds that amusing. Yeah, everyone. Well, where is everyone now? She is in the middle of a busy crowd and yet she has never felt more alone. But she’s used to it. That’s why she still hasn’t quit smoking. Because who the fuck cares? She doesn’t. That balding man in the wrinkled suit doesn’t. And that one picking at his nose obviously doesn’t too. She gazes at the approaching waiter whose only thing he probably cares about right now is refilling empty glasses. She feels a little envious – how simple life must be for this guy, no great expectations, and no one expecting him to do anything but refill glasses and not break anything. She stares at the waiter’s calloused hand as he puts iced tea into her glass.
She looks around her without really looking, and her mind barely registers the people bustling past her. After several minutes of mindlessly staring at strangers, her eyes finally focus on her fingers – or what’s in between them— and she smiles bitterly. “My only companion in this world,” she mutters under her breath, “the best... and the worst.”
She puts her “companion” in between her moist lips and sucked in hungrily. She sighs inwardly as she feels the wonderful sensation only her menthol cigarette could ever give to her. She knows she should quit. Everyone tells her to. She chuckles darkly as she finds that amusing. Yeah, everyone. Well, where is everyone now? She is in the middle of a busy crowd and yet she has never felt more alone. But she’s used to it. That’s why she still hasn’t quit smoking. Because who the fuck cares? She doesn’t. That balding man in the wrinkled suit doesn’t. And that one picking at his nose obviously doesn’t too. She gazes at the approaching waiter whose only thing he probably cares about right now is refilling empty glasses. She feels a little envious – how simple life must be for this guy, no great expectations, and no one expecting him to do anything but refill glasses and not break anything. She stares at the waiter’s calloused hand as he puts iced tea into her glass.
"Thank you." Mr. Iced Tea Guy gave a tiny nod at her almost inaudible words. He left her immediately. There are napkins to be folded.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
An Illicit & Explicit Longing
The thought of your sweet scent makes my mouth water... makes me sigh with longing. Touching you with my fingers, oh those memories of me playing with you right before I put you in my mouth. The way you light up as I suck on you, devour your essence, clouds my mind with bliss and contentment…
I shake my head as if that will make me forget. Forget how being addicted to you made me feel. How insanely dependent I was on you. I ask myself how something destructive can feel so good inside of me? I close my eyes as another thought fills my mind. Another weak moment in my past. A memory of intense pleasure building up, making me feel breathless. I try to keep you inside me, but that sweet release is inevitable. The moment I feel you escape my lips I know I want more. I take another hit. Yes! I already feel satisfied and you’re almost drained, but it’s not enough for me. I want more.
I capture you again in between my trembling lips.
My body relaxes as my lungs fill with your sweet smoke… Ahh, yes. That sublime feeling…
I miss you menthol cigarettes.
I shake my head as if that will make me forget. Forget how being addicted to you made me feel. How insanely dependent I was on you. I ask myself how something destructive can feel so good inside of me? I close my eyes as another thought fills my mind. Another weak moment in my past. A memory of intense pleasure building up, making me feel breathless. I try to keep you inside me, but that sweet release is inevitable. The moment I feel you escape my lips I know I want more. I take another hit. Yes! I already feel satisfied and you’re almost drained, but it’s not enough for me. I want more.
I capture you again in between my trembling lips.
My body relaxes as my lungs fill with your sweet smoke… Ahh, yes. That sublime feeling…
I miss you menthol cigarettes.
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Sunday, January 19, 2014
Meeting Santa & Satan
(A repost from my LiveJournal account. Wrote this years ago.)
What if I went to North Pole?
It will probably go something like this.
After a tiring but incredibly enjoyable tour of Santa's toy factory, a snowball fight with the elves, & a fun sleigh ride with the reindeers, relaxing in St. Nick's fairy tale english cottage while sipping a cup of good ol' hot choco drink courtesy of Mrs. Claus is very much appreciated.
ME: So Santa, why didn't you give me a present last christmas? I was a good girl, you know.
(dreamy music. enter imagined scenario)
After a tiring but incredibly enjoyable tour of Santa's toy factory, a snowball fight with the elves, & a fun sleigh ride with the reindeers, relaxing in St. Nick's fairy tale english cottage while sipping a cup of good ol' hot choco drink courtesy of Mrs. Claus is very much appreciated.
ME: So Santa, why didn't you give me a present last christmas? I was a good girl, you know.
SANTA: (with his booming voice & all his jolliness) Ho, Ho, Ho! No you weren't.
ME: What?! Yes i was.
SANTA: Ho, Ho.. So you're gonna insist on playing this jukienice character huh? ok, let's see.. (he got his famous LIST).. hmm.. you don't pray at night, you don't do chores, you drink, you broke practically all 10 commandments, you s---
ME: That's not true! I've been good!
SANTA: (still ho-ho-hoing) You lie, You-- ahem, do you want me to go on? I mean I'm just getting started. This past 2 months you broke the record by being consistently on top of my "naughty" list. You're a bum, you took v---
ME: OK! I get it! No gifts for me, jeez! (I said good-naturedly as I drank my not-so-hot hot choco)
SANTA: Ho Ho Ho! I'm just saying, you know! I mean, you could go to Hell for --
I didn't hear the rest of his sentence...
.. because i was again thinking.. Wouldn't it be COOL if i went to HELL & "chilled out" with dear old Lucifer?
Besides, it's so freaking cold here I can't even feel my tongue. Plus, the effing merriness in this place is too much for my pessimistic nature. blaah.
So from North, I went South. Way, way down south...
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Cold With Dread
It's 5:30 in the morning, and it's chilly. Really chilly.
She wakes up but her mind is still trying to drift off to sleep. She feels like she's been drugged. She rubs her hands & arms vigorously, trying to make herself feel warm - it's no use. Through droopy, sleepy eyes, she scanned her room out of habit and sees nothing but darkness, except for the hypnotic light from her computer monitor which is the only thing alive during this time. Everybody is still sleeping. Yet, here she is, awake and asleep at the same time.
She knows she has to do it.
She has to do it.
But could she?
Dread filled her as she thinks of what she has to do soon. Goosebumps crawl all over her skin as her icy hands try - unsuccessfully - to keep the evil cold from engulfing her senses. She lets out a deep, depressed sigh as she stands up.
She has to do it now.
Dragging her feet like a zombie, she walks towards the bathroom door, her hands stopping inches from the seemingly gleaming door knob - hesitating... Dreading. Breathing in deeply, she finally opens the door.
Another sigh.
"Here we go..." She muttered darkly.
Uncertainty fills her mind. Her body recoils from the task that has to be done but her mind keeps telling her to do it now. Pull the trigger. Plunge the knife straight to the heart. Cut the wrist and watch the blood drip. Whatever you have to do, just do it.
She has to do it. She keeps reminding herself.
She trembles involuntarily as she touches the cold steel.
NO. She can't do it!
It's too cold!
She turns her back from the shower, turns off the light, and closes the bathroom door.
"I showered yesterday anyway." She justifies to herself.
DISCLAIMER: the madwoman always showers before working. LOL. =D
She wakes up but her mind is still trying to drift off to sleep. She feels like she's been drugged. She rubs her hands & arms vigorously, trying to make herself feel warm - it's no use. Through droopy, sleepy eyes, she scanned her room out of habit and sees nothing but darkness, except for the hypnotic light from her computer monitor which is the only thing alive during this time. Everybody is still sleeping. Yet, here she is, awake and asleep at the same time.
She knows she has to do it.
She has to do it.
But could she?
Dread filled her as she thinks of what she has to do soon. Goosebumps crawl all over her skin as her icy hands try - unsuccessfully - to keep the evil cold from engulfing her senses. She lets out a deep, depressed sigh as she stands up.
She has to do it now.
Dragging her feet like a zombie, she walks towards the bathroom door, her hands stopping inches from the seemingly gleaming door knob - hesitating... Dreading. Breathing in deeply, she finally opens the door.
Another sigh.
"Here we go..." She muttered darkly.
Uncertainty fills her mind. Her body recoils from the task that has to be done but her mind keeps telling her to do it now. Pull the trigger. Plunge the knife straight to the heart. Cut the wrist and watch the blood drip. Whatever you have to do, just do it.
She has to do it. She keeps reminding herself.
She trembles involuntarily as she touches the cold steel.
NO. She can't do it!
It's too cold!
She turns her back from the shower, turns off the light, and closes the bathroom door.
"I showered yesterday anyway." She justifies to herself.
DISCLAIMER: the madwoman always showers before working. LOL. =D
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Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Backseat Brooding: Alienation Sensation
 |
| Photos taken on the way to Manila last year (2013) |
fast-paced city,
life left behind.
looking at the world
has it ever been kind?
Progress all around us
Suffering everywhere.
ignored with disdain
by people who don’t care.
Yes they live fast,
intent on leaving the past
What about those who can’t run
stuck in the mire
burning under the sun.
Will nobody help them?
Left to die in stagnation
forever in hibernation
waiting for reincarnation
wishing to any constellation
that in the next life,
in another world,
there’ll be no strife..
no hearts so cold.
No more alienation.
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