An Illicit & Explicit Longing

The thought of your sweet scent makes my mouth water... makes me sigh with longing. Touching you with my fingers, oh those memories of me playing with you right before I put you in my mouth. The way you light up as I suck on you, devour your essence, clouds my mind with bliss and contentment…


I shake my head as if that will make me forget. Forget how being addicted to you made me feel. How insanely dependent I was on you. I ask myself how something destructive can feel so good inside of me? I close my eyes as another thought fills my mind. Another weak moment in my past. A memory of intense pleasure building up, making me feel breathless. I try to keep you inside me, but that sweet release is inevitable. The moment I feel you escape my lips I know I want more. I take another hit. Yes! I already feel satisfied and you’re almost drained, but it’s not enough for me. I want more.


I capture you again in between my trembling lips.


My body relaxes as my lungs fill with your sweet smoke… Ahh, yes. That sublime feeling…







I miss you menthol cigarettes.

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Meeting Santa & Satan

(A repost from my LiveJournal account. Wrote this years ago.)

Thinking about random stuff...

What if I went to North Pole? 

It will probably go something like this.

(dreamy music. enter imagined scenario)

After a tiring but incredibly enjoyable tour of Santa's toy factory, a snowball fight with the elves, & a fun sleigh ride with the reindeers, relaxing in St. Nick's fairy tale english cottage while sipping a cup of good ol' hot choco drink courtesy of Mrs. Claus is very much appreciated.

ME:  So Santa, why didn't you give me a present last christmas? I was a good girl, you know.

SANTA:  (with his booming voice & all his jolliness) Ho, Ho, Ho! No you weren't.

ME:  What?! Yes i was.

SANTA:  Ho, Ho.. So you're gonna insist on playing this jukienice character huh? ok, let's see.. (he got his famous LIST).. hmm.. you don't pray at night, you don't do chores, you drink, you broke practically all 10 commandments, you s---

ME: That's not true! I've been good!

SANTA: (still ho-ho-hoing) You lie, You-- ahem, do you want me to go on? I mean I'm just getting started. This past 2 months you broke the record by being consistently on top of my "naughty" list. You're a bum, you took v---

ME:  OK! I get it! No gifts for me, jeez! (I said good-naturedly as I drank my not-so-hot hot choco)

SANTA:  Ho Ho Ho! I'm just saying, you know! I mean, you could go to Hell for --


I didn't hear the rest of his sentence...


.. because i was again thinking.. Wouldn't it be COOL if i went to HELL & "chilled out" with dear old Lucifer?

Besides, it's so freaking cold here I can't even feel my tongue. Plus, the effing merriness in this place is too much for my pessimistic nature. blaah.

So from North, I went South. Way, way down south...

Cold With Dread

It's 5:30 in the morning, and it's chilly. Really chilly.

She wakes up but her mind is still trying to drift off to sleep. She feels like she's been drugged. She rubs her hands & arms vigorously, trying to make herself feel warm - it's no use. Through droopy, sleepy eyes, she scanned her room out of habit and sees nothing but darkness, except for the hypnotic light from her computer monitor which is the only thing alive during this time. Everybody is still sleeping. Yet, here she is, awake and asleep at the same time.

She knows she has to do it.

She has to do it.

But could she?

Dread filled her as she thinks of what she has to do soon. Goosebumps crawl all over her skin as her icy hands try - unsuccessfully - to keep the evil cold from engulfing her senses. She lets out a deep, depressed sigh as she stands up.

She has to do it now.

Dragging her feet like a zombie, she walks towards the bathroom door, her hands stopping inches from the seemingly gleaming door knob - hesitating... Dreading. Breathing in deeply, she finally opens the door.

Another sigh.

"Here we go..." She muttered darkly.

Uncertainty fills her mind. Her body recoils from the task that has to be done but her mind keeps telling her to do it now. Pull the trigger. Plunge the knife straight to the heart. Cut the wrist and watch the blood drip. Whatever you have to do, just do it.

She has to do it. She keeps reminding herself.

She trembles involuntarily as she touches the cold steel.

NO. She can't do it!

It's too cold!

She turns her back from the shower, turns off the light, and closes the bathroom door.

"I showered yesterday anyway." She justifies to herself.


DISCLAIMER: the madwoman always showers before working. LOL.  =D 

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Fifty Shades of LIFE and why living feels like torture.

Life is a bitch. There's no use sugarcoating that. Because no matter how much you pretend that life is beautiful and easy and worth all the obstacles you have to endure all your life, the sad thing is, Life will make sure you don't forget that she is one helluva sadistic bitch.

She will whip, smack, punch, bludgeon, and strangle your fast-waning hope & positivity until you are in the brink of soul-death - gasping, begging, whimpering, slowly fading.

Until she gives you another glimmer of hope. A tiny sip of rejuvenating water. A false vision that everything is gonna be alright. To give you a surge of energy to continue living,  to fight another battle that life will give you, to believe that we can do it. We can survive it. That everything will be better if only we remain strong and steady. Yes Life whispers to us and urges us "just a bit more, almost there, it will be okay..."

And then as any two-faced sadistic bitch, the moment you think your goal is within your reach, SHIT HAPPENS. Life yanks you by your collar, pulls you back, and chuckles cruelly, teeth gleaming, eyes sparkling with cruel glee, and tells you in your face "Not so fast, fool."

*repeat torture*

Then life gives you another glimmer of hope.

Then you stumble (or pushed) into another big pile of crap.

The cycle continues.

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Backseat Brooding: Alienation Sensation

Photos taken on the way to Manila last year (2013)

fast-paced city,

life left behind.

looking at the world

has it ever been kind?

Progress all around us

Suffering everywhere.

ignored with disdain

by people who don’t care.

Yes they live fast,

intent on leaving the past

What about those who can’t run

stuck in the mire

burning under the sun.

Will nobody help them?

Left to die in stagnation

forever in hibernation

waiting for reincarnation

wishing to any constellation

that in the next life,

in another world,

there’ll be no strife..

no hearts so cold.

No more alienation.

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Why is it hard to deal with stupid people?

Because they're too stupid to realize they're stupid. You're the one who has to be the bigger person because they don't even know what "being a bigger person" is.

It's funny how people love to talk behind your back, criticize every little thing you do, compare you to other people they've met - and yet when you look them in the eye and ask them directly, they clam up and act like they're God's little angels.

I mean c'mon. You can't find another human being with the same set of fingerprints you have. Don't expect a person to be of the same mold as you (in my opinion, that would be horrifying. To be as shallow & as stupid as you are. My God.) Learn how to deal with different personalities, and stop gossiping about them. You gossip about your friends, what does that say about you?

Before you judge other people, look inside your heart. I won't ask you to look in the mirror, it might be too smudged for you to see clearly. 

Don't just grow old, GROW UP.

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