But wait, what's that dark cloud swirling around your brain? A thick smoky wall of darkness that's preventing your good colors from spilling out? It's overpowering your mind, the colors are barely showing. The colors are trapped. How can you get rid of it?
You can't? What do you mean you can't? Surely there's a way. Right? I mean, that darkness needs to be let out. Right??
You mean it will always be there just swirling around you forever? It will never leave you? What about the colors? The beautiful, lively, happy colors??
Yes. Yes, I have seen clouds. Yes, I know some days the clouds cover the sun or the blue sky. But there are days when the clouds give you a glimpse of the immense beauty that it usually covers. So, what are you saying? That awful darkness that you have inside you, it's like the clouds? Well, if you put it that way.... I guess it does add character to the sky. I mean, the fact that sometimes it keeps you from seeing the real face of the sky or the sun, it makes it more exciting when you get a glimpse, however momentary, of that deep blue sea of beauty. Wow. How can you paint such a picture of pure beauty with something that's so... utterly dark?
It's like you love it. You love the darkness don't you?
But I see what you mean. You are you because of what's inside you. You're dark, but you're beautiful inside. I know you have something inside you more than your darkness and there are days when it shows and it's astonishing, seeing the real you even for just a moment.
But that darkness. It's swallowing you whole.
How can you love it? How can you embrace something that is the sole reason for your paralysis? The anxiety, the fear, the loneliness. You're alone in the dark and I know you can barely stay afloat. I know you have drowned several times in that black cesspool of whatever. You have barely survived each time. But you love it? Need I remind you the times when you can barely open your mouth, words fail to come out, coherent thoughts failing to materialize - because your darkness, out of sheer cruelty, decided to seize you and choke you with illogical fears. Anxiety so deeply embedded in your brain, it surprises me you're still sane. Well most of the time you are.
Still, explain to me.
You can't? Well, I guess you are indeed crazy.
Can you at least admit that you are an addict? You're a slave to that darkness inside your head. Yes, don't even argue - it's all in your head. You have all the weapons to fight it off, to make it disappear, to change your life. But you hold on to it like an addict dependent on her dealer. You thrive on that darkness. You live inside your dark little head and you refuse to come out. It's your air, isn't it? You crave it. You worship it. You need it to stay alive. Without it you're nothing.
Oh, I'm wrong? So now you're saying you wish you didn't have that darkness that makes you different from the rest of us? You're saying you want to be normal? Are you sure you want to be "average" as you so fondly call the rest of us normal humans? Are you saying you want to have a regular grey brain instead of that dark-yet-colorful convoluted thing you have inside your skull? Do you mean that? You look like a parrot, honey. You're mimicking human sounds, but you don't mean it. You don't understand it. You think if you pretend to be one of us and act normal, you'll be one.
Accept it. You're different. You pretend you care about human things like a job or stability or family or money or a career or goals - all routines. You don't. The minute you acknowledge that out loud, then maybe you will feel better.
I can't even imagine how lonely it could be inside there. It's your own little prison, but ironically, it's your own little paradise as well. You are only free when you're inside that darkness. God, that's depressing!
Don't you have friends you can talk to? Woah, no need for bad words! I'm not pushing you to socialize to cure your darkness. Well, uhmm, I was just wondering. Won't it help? Ok, ok. I'm listening.
Hmmm. Curious. So you're saying that no matter who you're talking to, no matter who you're with, there will be moments when you just wanna run away from all those human interactions? That it's nothing personal? That no matter how much you enjoy one's company, any moment, you will get that panicked feeling, the urge to sigh and wish you disappear, the desire to run away and escape any human contact? The feeling that you're wasting your time because it's all useless. It's all fake. You're faking it. But you get guilty because you know they're good friends. Good people. And you're not. You're dark, and you're not one of them. You get so guilty that you plaster a smile on your face until it gets sore but you don't mind coz it's the only way you know how to deal. It's the only way you know you think they'll get.
I get it now. You don't think they'll get the real you.
 |
| "Crazy Horse" by Gerard Stricher |
So few? All those years of living, and you can count them in one hand?
Tell me what it's like. Meeting someone like yourself.
Oh?
How is it complicated? I mean, you meet someone like you, don't you tend to gravitate towards each other and be great companions to one another?
Wow.
I need to get comfortable, let me light up a cig. Wait, I'll grab a beer, you want some?
Okay, go on. Whew. I gotta say, this conversation has made me feel all sorts of weird things. Makes me thankful I'm normal. Oh, I'm sorry. Go on.
Just so we're clear. You mutants, you guys are the same. Darkness inside your brains. And you get each other. You understand what makes each other tick. You enjoy each other's darkness. So what's so complicated about it? I mean, you can't tolerate normal people, and yet you can't tolerate your fellow mutants as well? God, you're twisted. And blacker than a black hole.
Fine, I'm picturing magnets now. Yeah yeah, the north pole attracts the south pole. But when you try putting the same ends or poles together, they repel each other.
So it's like an invisible force field that's keeping you from annihilation? I think I get it. Negative + Negative will drain you. I'm not saying you're negative. I meant, a person with such darkness couldn't be with someone with more or less the same kind of darkness for a prolonged period of time without repercussions. Implosions, explosions, collisions. Black holes. One side will inevitably suffer more than the other. Self-preservation, even for people living in constant self-destruction. It's romantic actually. My heart is melting. The one thing that could actually comfort you is the same thing that's gonna destroy you. Wow. Even Shakespeare couldn't have thought of that.
I'm not judging you. I just don't want to be in your position. I embrace my average self. My normalcy. My weak self. You mutants are a different species. I think you're only so few, because only a few could handle such burden. Or is it a gift? I really don't know. And the sad thing is, you don't know too, do you? I guess it's how you handle it, right? Is it a gift or a curse? It's all up to you.
What are you gonna do next?
What about your desire to find the other mutants? You told me you've met a few. How was it?
Oh....
Are you sure?
Here, let me light that for you.
Need a hug? No? Jeez I was just being nice, no need to be snippy about it.
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